what I sought,when I struggled out of my hole, then aloft through the stinging air towards an inaccessible boon,was the rapture of vertigo,the letting go,the fall,the gulf,the relapse to darkness,to nothingness,to earnestness,to home,to him waiting for me always,who needed me and whom I needed,who took me in his arms and told me to stay with him always,who gave me his place and watched over me,who suffered every time I left him,whom I have often made suffer and seldom contented,whom I have never seen.